Tag Archives: self

2016 Reflection…

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Mmmmm, I don’t know how many out there will actually be glad to see the end of this year – what I do know is I would like to bury 2016 in a deep hole, fill it with concrete & cover the concrete with lead so that it never sees the light of day again.

A lot has happened this year.  As with every year I suppose, but usually when it hits this time of year I can say “it wasn’t TOO bad” when I look back.  This year, however I hit rock bottom & it was not a place that I wanted to stay, or for that matter; ever see again.

Depression is still quite a taboo thing.

“Just go outside”

“Do what you love”

“Smile, you’ll feel better”

Uhhh.  No.  If those things worked, I wouldn’t have found myself in the Doctors office bawling my eyes out at absolutely nothing – scratch that – an overwhelming sense of panic, fear, uselessness & generally feeling like a piece of shit.

I feel better now, but I should have sought help much earlier than I did – thinking about throwing yourself in front of a moving train is, like a massive warning signal that something isn’t right with your brain chemistry.

Despite what efforts I made (they were minimal, I’ll admit but anyway) the gym became a place that was no longer comfortable to me. I no longer associated lifting with happiness & that was hard. Something that had become so intrinsically intertwined with my life was shoved to the depths of the clutter cupboard to gather dust.  I wish it hadn’t, but I can’t go back & change it – however who knows what my gym relationship would be like now if I’d have continued to go.  That’s irrelevant now.

What I DID do though, was got some new qualifications:

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I finished my Sport Nutrition course in August & received a distinction in management a few months later. I’ve got another course to complete in Neurolinguistic Programming, but I’ll be honest -I’ve dragged my heels with that one a little. I’ll complete it, but it’s gonna take a while.

The last few weeks I’ve begun to think about what I want to achieve next year – I’m part of a social media groups that celebrates women & all they’re capable of – regardless on fitness level, body size or even choice of exercise, these ladies inspire me daily & without them, I might have even chosen to never go back to the gym.  Just knowing they’re there gives me a desire to come out at the end of 2017 & be fucking FIERCE! To show myself that I really can do what I set my mind to, but also to not berate & chastise myself if I get ill or injured & be unable to train.

I’ve even wrote my own programme, but “life” (not relevant to my blog) has been a preventative issue for gym times, but I intend to change that when the gym reopens on Tuesday.

I’m also going back to physio, as my time out of the gym has seen some issues resurface – more about that next time I blog!

 

 

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Am I a Butterfly Yet?

Eat, eat, eat, hibernate, pupate & break free…those beautiful wings all flapping about.  Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Wait, what?

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Peacock Butterfly.  Photo taken by me Aug 2013

Butterflies are awesome.  That’s not what this post is about, but please….enjoy the image.

When you’re ready to continue, I’ll be down here……….

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OH HAI!

Today a fellow xxfitness user asked for progress pictures for inner thighs & I thought I’d oblige.  I’ve attempted to steer clear of the progress images for the last few weeks, so used one from September; which gave a nice 1 year-ish progress timeline.  Now, that might not sound like a huge deal – I’ve shared plenty of progres pictures.  No.  This was different.  This time I used my before picture without the feeling of cringe that usually goes with it.  I will forever quote “That arse will haunt me forever” whenever Andy uses one of my before images.  It was embarrassing to see it & I felt sick to my stomach as I’d denied my “true” size for many years, but it was ok…..cos it was only a dress size up to what I’d been for years previous; or that’s how I rationalised it & that I was only gonna live once & those who eat healthy only live longer cos they’re miserable, so it *feels* longer.

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Castle tries to explain, but realises it’s pointless…..

Ahahhaaaaa!!  I did. I REALLY did rationalise my shit lifestyle on utter garbage.  I’d like to find that other self & give her a slow clap for how awful that information & justification was.

Anyway, before I get off point.

Butterflies!

The biggest I’ve ever been was about a UK18/20.  I couldn’t tell you how much I weighed though, sorry.  I have no idea.  I just remember going to buy trousers after I’d had my son & thought “the extra weight from creating life must be gone by now” It wasn’t. I bought my trousers, defeated but I was sick of maternity gear & cried. I’d become everything I never wanted to be. I wasn’t at breaking point though.  These trouser fit nicely & although the tag size was larger than I’d have liked, I’d been through this baby weight loss before & I won’t have to do much to get back to a 12/14 right? WRONG.  I’d moved house so walking didn’t really occur – pubic transport was the key. My back was still in bits, so when I did walk, it wasn’t far.  I was also 6 years older than when I’d been pregnant before.

It took a long, long time before I hit that “I can no longer continue like this” and for me, it wasn’t my weight but my health. (you all know the story, I’ve gone through it a few times on here)

I knew I wanted to take photos before I started back at the gym. I knew I did.  I tentatively perched my phone on the windowsill & set the self timer. I didn’t show them to anyone.  A month later I took another set of photos; that was now my “starting” image; until I made this blog & stumbled across the image looking for something else.

I hated that photo. Well, photos. As there is a back, front & side views.  I was genuinely mortified.

Here’s a profile montage from when I first started up to a few weeks ago:

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Andy told me the  starting image was a reminder of how far I’ve come, & although I agreed with him; I still hated seeing it. I don’t now. I’m not overly sure how I’ve managed to stop loathing it – also, I know….can we get a moment’s silence for the boobies lost?  *moment*

Yeah, so I stitched a photo together for xxfitness, this is it:

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This.  This is when I realised I no longer hate my befores.  I fucking did that. I did that to myself & I fixed it! I love, love, love that image of the right.  I’m responsible for my body & I moaned and bitched about it for years, not doing anything about it – expecting it to change….it did but not the way I wanted.

The gym is an incredible place.  I have new friends & peers, I have a new found love of food, I have new knowledge & discovered a passion I didn’t know existed.

I’m no longer as angry as I once was. I have more energy & am in less pain.  I once looked like my before & I no longer do.  I don’t have wings, but goddamnit I am a motherfucking butterfly!